Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Fat Squirrel Season

This is hilarious, from the surlyblog:

Everybody knows that squirrels store nuts for the winter. They store them in the ground, probably up in trees and they eat them to get a nice fat belly for the winter. But what I notice most about squirrels this time of year is that they are particularly slow, sluggish, indecisive, unpredictable and psycho.

Case in point, I'm riding my bike in a quiet residential neighborhood this morning (with a 100+ pound trailer in tow) and I see a squirrel walking her dog. She's stopped on the corner of an uncontrolled intersection while the leashed dog sniffs around. From a distance, I ring my bell to get her attention and we make positive eye contact. Knowing it's fat squirrel season, I have my fingers on the brake levers as I approach. About 12 feet before I enter the crosswalk, the squirrel decides that her and the dog are going to test their right of way across the street. I skid the rear wheel and start drifting sideways, just barely missing squirrel and pooch. You know when you're skidding and all you can think of is "did that squirrel want to commit suicide?" but you're glad you have brakes and skills to spare it's life.

So as I maneuver around the squirrel I ask in a fairly pleasant tone, "do you walk out in front of people often?"

Squirrel chatters, "it's my right of way"

Me, "you may be right, but I rang my bell so you could see me, we made direct eye contact, you were stopped on the sidewalk with no intended direction across the street and then you just walked in front on me. I just didn't want to hit your dog, that's all"

Squirrel, "you could've gone around me"

Me, "obviously, I just did"

Squirrel "ra ra ra ra ra"

Me, "I just didn't want to hit your dog, ma'am"

Seriously folks, it's fat squirrel season. Squirrels are slow, preoccupied with gathering expensive christmas nuts at the malls for their kids, chattering on their phones and crabby because it's cold and dark outside. The last thing they are thinking about is getting tangled up in your wheels and sending you to the hospital. I witnessed three more very close calls between squirrels in cars within one block this morning, it was like they pumped fresh roasted cashew smell in the air during a coffee embargo. So until fat squirrel season is over, watch out. We wouldn't want your holiday meal to be pureed hospital turkey.